Ellusive Illusions

They all start with white wings.

I don’t know what happens

but they never stay white.

 

Mine faded to an ashy gray by my eighth

birthday.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

 

Some of them break.

Sometimes in the

middle of flying.

 

I guess we pretend we’re innocent,

pretend we’re better,

pretend we’re whole.

 

I’m sick

of pretending.

How Uncertainty Feels

My throat constricts.

The heat of the summer was-

Unknown and uncertainty floats-

This isn’t what-

What can-

What should-

How can I stress over and prepare for something-

No schedule.

Unsure.

The Story of an Empath

Gold eye shadow brings out the green

in her eyes,

drawing my attention from across                                                                         the room.

The music blasting in my ear cuts

out.

My center of gravity shifts.

And I know.

 

I’m sorry for your loss.

That’s too formal.

Hey, I know I don’t know you, but I know your best friend just died and I’m sorry.

I sound crazy.

Weaving through the crowd, I try

to get closer to her.

But the weight of her grief squeezestheairfrommylungs.

 

Two hours and thirty minutes of avoiding her ends

when she taps my shoulder.

Her long, dark hair brushes against me as I turn.

Her eyes are glossy and bloodshot, but she smiles.

And my chest releases.

And the hurt heals to hope.

Unsent Texts

(To your ex)

I still love you.

Can we at least be friends?

Breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of my life.

Actually it wasn’t. You’re a huge douche.

Please, I’ll do anything to get back with you. I can change.

Listen, that friends with benefits thing sounds nice.

I’m dumping your shit on your porch.

Can I have my favorite book back?

Hey, how’s life?

Just thought you should know, I’m dating someone new.

 

(To your mom)

Stop stalking my dates on Facebook.

Stop trying to control my life.

No, I’m not having kids yet. Stop sending baby clothes.

 

(To your old best friend)

Saw this and thought of you.

We should get lunch soon.

Why’d we stop hanging out?

 

(To your crush)

You look nice 😉

Wanna grab dinner sometime?

I’m sorry that I’m so awkward.

Kiss my face.

I Regret To Inform You

No matter how you try, you are destined

to be the same.

Same smile, slightly crooked.

Same fears, threatening your sanity.

Same anger, silent then explosive.

Mother molds daughter.

Daughter fights it.

Everyone always fights it.

 

We fight feelings,

bury crushes,

ignore what we know is true.

Put your life into a safe box and will yourself to believe

that this is all you want.

All you’ve ever wanted.

Because worse than chaos,

is regret.

Fragmented Torment

Words fill the books that fill the shelves that fill

my mind.

But they’re no help.

Neither are the memories that torment me with

fragments of images and

insufferable feelings.

It’s like being a ghost, unable to touch anything

unable to return

there.

Unable to move

forward.

 

Nothing helps:

music, walking, people.

I look through them, a prisoner

of my mind.

Spill Queen

Spaghetti sauce splattered on

my white shorts.

Ink exploded on

my blue satin prom dress.

An Eiffel Tower shaped stain

adorns my favorite chiffon top.

 

I’ve spilled soda on the carpet

and ice cream in the car.

I spill, drop, and trip.

I fall, stub, and slip.

But I’ve never broken a bone.

Doors We Don’t Open

Feelings start in the

stomach

where they bubble and

stab

before they float up to the

brain.

They start grabbing at the wires and twisting

everything.

Then they turn off

the lights.

 

Sometimes I descend

into

the madness and let it

C O N S U M E

ME.

So much hurt and fear and anger and worry and pain and panic and sadness

and it builds into a tsunami,

drowning me

before I shut it up again.

Before I rejoin reality,

the shallow end where that blind limitless emotion

can’t exist.

How Can You Promise Me Forever?

We try to control

everything.

We pretend that if we plan enough then we’re prepared for

anything.

 

Tell me,

how do you know what we should do?

If you’re not scared,

you’re doing it wrong.

 

How can you be so

sure?

How can you make promises

that are worlds away?

 

What’s your reasoning?

I have mine.

I will do whatever it takes, and when I can’t do more,

have faith.

Do It For You

My heels echo down the empty corridors

in my old high school.

I shouldn’t miss this.

I don’t miss this.

Now I don’t have to talk to anyone

that I don’t want to.

But I remember meeting you.

I remember my hopes and dreams exactly as I felt them,

back when the world seemed so small.

The truth is, none of it matters and no one cares.

But these halls shaped me.

These memories dig into my heart and choke me.